FAT BANKERS

OUR MISSION

ABOUT THE FAT BANKERS

The Fat Bankers’ consists of voting members who have “invested” in membership interests, the proceeds of which are used to capitalize the construction costs of the organization’s floats. These voting members are known as “Lords of the Abdominous Exchequer,” and these members possess a Title of Portly Nobility, such as a Duke, Marquess, Earl, Viscount, or Baron, which reflects their satisfaction of the Cannons of Lucullan Irreverence (a list of quests and specification of the number of years that one must ride with the Fat Bankers’, all of which must be satisfied in order to be promoted from one peerage to another).

Fat Bankers Social Aid and Pleasure Club is open for membership to all who have a lifetime passion for Mardi Gras, Funk and to “give the people what they want, when they want it.”

If you’re interested, please email us: wcbeary@bearyinterests.com.

Being a Lord has—in addition to the dubious honor of owning part of a float, which constitutes a life interest in the right-of-first refusal to pay to use for four hours yearly a nine-square foot condominium timeshare with no shag carpeting and fewer amenities than a Katrina trailer home—certain benefits. Those benefits include the following perquisites during Carnival:

Lords shall get the Funk; ordain the Funky; and be the Funk, but they, like Danny, are admonished to avoid the lumberyard;

Lords may not be arrested for forty days before Mardi Gras or for forty days after Mardi Gras;

A Lord may exit the water closet at Commander’s Palace to confer with other Lords or subordinates without the bother of restoring their pants to their rightful position;

Lords may become tiddly on Humming Good Ale;

A Lord may use his merry nature and curtal robe to the amusement and amazement of commoners;

Lords may elect to eliminate articles from their speech during the Krewe of Tucks parade;

Lords may adopt the colloquialisms of any Funk Superstar or use long-treasured aphorisms from past Fat Bankers’ Social Aid & Pleasure Club events in their manner of speech, such as the following:

• “Cat lover.”

• “Looking good Billy Ray.”

• “Feelin’ good Lewis.”

• “I’m not gonna lie to you … I’m [insert term relating to sobriety or lack thereof].”

• “Dig, Daddy-O.”

• “May we have the Keith Richards interpreter, please?”

• “Doctor, please fill my prescription.”

The Fat Bankers’ Social Aid & Pleasure Club also includes riding members, known as Baronets of the Buxom Treasurer, Knight Protectors of the Embonpoint, or Knights of the Avoirdupois, the distinction among which is determined by the number of years a knight has ridden with the Fat Bankers’ coupled with the satisfaction of the Cannons Lushness , which is similar to the Cannons of Lucullan Irreverence.

ORDER & DECORATIONS

The Fat Bankers also issue numerous decorations and orders, available to any of our riders, which include the following:

The Most Ancient and The Most Noble Order of Friar Tuck: the highest Order conferred by the Fat Bankers’ Social Aid & Pleasure Club, and it is conferred for long-standing service to the Krewe of Tucks and to Mardi Gras.

The Royal Ceronian Order: conferred on those Members of the Krewe of Tucks who participated in the Krewe of Tucks Mardi Gras Parade in the year during which King Rudy and Queen Marie shed light on grace on the Crescent City.

The Legion of Mullet: awarded to those who participate in the annual Mullet Toss at the Flora-Bamma.

The Red Badge of Lobster: The Duke of Half-Seas-Over in His discretion awards the Red Badge of Lobster.

The Exuberant Medal of Wayne Love: awarded to those who travel to Las Vegas, Nevada, and take in a Wayne Newton show.

The following are available only to Lords of the Abdominous Exchequer:

The Most Illustrious Order of the Seventeen: the second highest Order conferred by the Fat Bankers’ Social Aid & Pleasure Club, and it is conferred for long-standing service to the Krewe of Tucks, Fat Bankers’ Social Aid & Pleasure Club, and Mardi Gras.

The Most Exalted Order of Cat Lovers: conferred on those Lords who are well-known cat lovers. Only three Members of the Order may be appointed at any one time.

THE DOCTRINE OF MYSTIC NUMEROLOGY

The Doctrine of Mystic Numerology is among the most important founding precepts of the Fat Bankers’ Social Aid & Pleasure Club. It is to the tiddly as the trinity (green peppers, onions, and celery) is to New Orleans cooking — absent the correct mystic number, a proper answer may not be given or condition exist. The Doctrine holds that The Mystic Number Seventeen (always capitalized to show proper reverence) is the Mystic Number, and it is the sole proper response when an interrogatory seeks a numeral as an answer.

Seventeen is the minimum number of beverages that may be ordered at one time.

Seventeen is also the maximum number of beverages that may be ordered ay one time.

Beverage orders greater than Seventeen must be placed in two separate orders of Seventeen beverages each.

An order for thirty-four Pimm’s Cups would thus be made as follows:

• “I’ll have Seventeen Pimm’s Cups and a steak sandwich and a … steak sandwich. Oh. And you better bring me Seventeen more Pimm’s Cups. By the way, how much is the caviar today?”

• “It’s $100.00 a portion, sir.”

• “Well, I’d better only have two portions, then. Charge it all to the Underhill tab and give each other a hundred bucks.”

It is the obligation of all Lords to announce once a beverage order has arrived “If the Sir wants Seventeen Pimm’s Cups, the Sir gets Seventeen Pimm’s Cups.” The announcement is the same whether Pimm’s Cups or another beverage is ordered. The announcement must be repeated for each multiple of Seventeen ordered and delivered.

The specific origin of the Mystic Number Seventeen is shrouded in the haze of time (that’s our story and we’re stickin’ to it) but call Sybil for a correct answer.

OFFICIAL LANGUAGE AND GREETINGS OF THE REALM

Gibberish is the official language of The Realm, and all Courtly discussions must be conducted in Gibberish.

The King, as a symbol of the high esteem in which the Fat Bankers’ hold him, shall be greeted with the phrase “Humina, humina, fries.”

Lords, in recognition of the high esteem in which they hold one another, shall greet one another with the salutation “Bougainvillea.” Once the salutation “Bougainvillea” has been extended, it may be used over and again to mean anything, except for no, and as any part of a sentence (i.e., noun, verb, adjective, adverb, gerund, article, etc.). The proper response to the salutation “Bougainvillea” is to respond, in kind, with “Bougainvillea” or with “Yo, Babe.”

ORGANIZATION & MANAGEMENT

Four Co-Captains who manage the day-to-day affairs of the Funky Tucks and the Foxy Tucks and of the Fat Bankers’ Social Aid & Pleasure Club, L.L.C:

Co-Captain and Lord High Steward—His Grace, The Duke of Bankrupt Casinos serves as the Chief Executive Officer.
Co-Captain and Lord High Treasurer—His Grace, The Duke of Big Daddy, serves as the Chief Financial Officer.
Co-Captain and Lord High Chancellor—His Grace, The Duke von die Spazierweg die Frankenstein, serves as the Chief Operating Officer.
Co-Captain and Lord High Engineer—His Grace, The Duke of Disappearing, serves as the Chief Technical Officer.

The Fat Bankers’ Social Aid & Pleasure Club has other appointed and elected positions:

Lord High Admiral: His Grace, the Duke of Half-Seas-Over

(A) The duties of the Lord High Admiral are to serve as the commander of the King’s navy; to ensure that the King’s floats are well-provisioned for His Mardi Gras review; and to serve as one of the two bearers of the Fat Bankers’ Social Aid & Pleasure Club’s colors at the annual Stately Procession of Lords of the Abdominous Exchequer.
(B) The Lord High Admiral is appointed by the Lords to serve a life term.
(C) The Lord High Admiral may employ such junior officers as are necessary to carry out his duties.

Gentleman Usher de le Bâton Rouge et Piston de Toilette de Royaume: His Grace, The Duke of Dances with Storks

(A) The duties of the Gentleman Usher de le Bâton Rouge et Piston de Toilette de Royaume are to protect, as Guardian, the Red Stick and Plunger of the Realm; to troop le Bâton Rouge et Piston de Toilette de Royaume during the annual Stately Procession of Lords of the Abdominous Exchequer; to tap new knights with le Bâton Rouge et Piston de Toilette de Royaume as a symbol of their elevation; and to administer le Bâton Rouge et Piston de Toilette de Royaume at la Fête de Banquiers Gras.
(B) The Gentleman Usher de le Baton Rouge et Piston de Toilette de Royaume is known as “Red Stick.”
(C) Red Stick is appointed by the Lords to serve a life term.

Earl Marshall: The Right Honourable, the Earl Shoes

(A) The duties of the Earl Marshall are, most importantly, to devise, convey, and deliver the Writ of Supergroovalisticprositfunkstication to la Fête de Banquiers Gras.
(B) The Earl Marshall shall also be responsible for the design, approval, and issuance of arms, and shall have authority over all disputes concerning booty and boo-tay.
(C) The Earl Marshall shall be appointed by the Lords to serve a life term.

Archbishop of New Orleans: The Right Reverend, the Earl Claiborne Chuckhole

(A) The duties of the Archbishop of New Orleans are to ensure that the Fat Bankers’ Social Aid & Pleasure Club recognizes the many blessings God has given them, perhaps friendship being chief among them.
(B) The Archbishop of New Orleans shall be appointed by the Lords to serve a life term.

Lord President of the Council: The Most Honourable, the Marquess Yankee Hayseed

(A) The duties of the Lord President of the Council are to ensure that the Session of the House of Lords of the Abdominous Exchequer, the Stately Procession of Lords of the Abdominous Exchequer, and la Fête de Banquiers Gras remain on schedule; to pre-position a Styrofoam cooler on the second deck of the Funky Tucks and Funky Fox so that the Lords may, in accord with tradition, collapse into a great heap and crush it; and to consult with the King on matters of state, such as requesting the Sovereign’s presence at la Fête de Banquiers Gras.
(B) The Lord President of the Council shall be selected annually, and it shall be the Lord who first breaks, or should have broken (near misses are therefore included), the Privy Seal.

Lord Chamberlain: The Right Honourable, the Viscount Monnaie Sang

(A) The duties of the Lord Great Chamberlain are to bear the Double-Bum Nutsack at the open and close of the Session of the House of Lords of the Abdominous Exchequer. The Lord Great Chamberlain shall also be responsible for assisting the Master of the Revels in loading the royal carts with the necessary jewels (beads) and Gniaule, Bière, Bourbon, et Femmes of the Fat Bankers’ Social Aid & Pleasure Club in preparation for the Stately Procession.
(B) The Lord Chamberlain shall be elected annually at the Session of the House of Lords of the Abdominous Exchequer.

Master of the Revels: The Right Honourable, the Viscount Denim

(A) The duties of the Master of the Revels are to oversee the preparation for and conduct of the festivities of the King and of the Fat Bankers’ Social Aid & Pleasure Club. The Master of the Revels is responsible for Assisting the Lord High Treasurer in planning for the Stately Procession. The Master of the Revels is also responsible for ensuring that a sufficient number of royal carts are available to conduct the jewels (beads) and Gniaule, Bière, Bourbon, et Femmes of the Fat Bankers’ Social Aid & Pleasure Club throughout the course of the Stately Procession.
(B) The Master of the Revels shall be elected annually at the Session of the House of Lords of the Abdominous Exchequer.

Enormously High Minister for Women: The Right Honourable, the Viscountess Fancy Pants

(A) The duties of the Enormously High Minister for Women are to provide for the finery of the Femmes who participate on the Funky Tucks and Foxy Tucks, and to ensure that those conveyances are equipped for their comfort.
(B) The Enormously High Minister for Women shall be elected annually at the Session of the House of Lords of the Abdominous Exchequer.

Yeoman of the Gniaule, Bière, et Bourbon: The Right Honourable, the Viscount Cropduster

(A) The duties of the Yeoman of the Gniaule, Bière, et Bourbon are to assist Red Stick in the administration of le Baton Rouge et Piston de Toilette de Royaume at la Fête de Banquiers Gras; to secure for the Lords the necessary provisions of Gniaule, Bière, et Bourbon for the annual Stately Procession of Lords of the Abdominous Exchequer and for the Krewe of Tucks Mardi Gras Parade.
(B) The Yeoman of the Gniaule, Bière, et Bourbon shall be elected annually at the Session of the House of Lords of the Abdominous Exchequer.

Master of the Lords’ Jewels: The Right Honourable, the Viscount Cocked Head

(A) The duties of the Master of the Lords’ Jewels are to buff, as necessary, the Lords’ Jewels, and, for those Lords granted possession, to ensure that they are not lost. The Master of the Jewels shall also assist the Master of the Revels in deploying the royal carts for the Stately Procession.
(B) The Master of the Lords’ Jewels shall be elected annually at the Session of the House of Lords of the Abdominous Exchequer.

Lord High Constable: The Right Honourable, the Viscount Triple X(L)

(A) The duties of the Lord High Constable are to serve as the Commander of the King’s armies; to troop those armies in the annual Stately Procession of Lords of the Abdominous Exchequer; to organize and lead the annual Stately Procession of Lords of the Abdominous Exchequer; and to serve as one of the two bearers of the Fat Bankers’ Social Aid & Pleasure Club’s colors.
(B) The Lord High Constable shall be elected annually at the Session of the House of Lords of the Abdominous Exchequer.

Prelate of Galactic Funk: The Marquess Weinbergela

(A) The duties of the Prelate of Galactic Funk are to attend to the aural enjoyment of the Lords and to prepare the annual Splanktic soundtrack.
(B) The Co-Captains shall annually appoint the Prelate of Galactic Funk.

Lord Advocate: The Right Honourable, the Viscount Monkey Boy

(A) The duties of the Lord Advocate are to assist the Lord High Chancellor in his duties as Chief Information Officer and to proclaim the good news that is the Funk and the Fat Bankers’ Social Aid & Pleasure Club. The Lord Advocate also renders legal assistance when called upon to do so—and under the instruction of—the Lord High Treasurer (or another member of the Bar of Louisiana, if the Lord Advocate is not a member of that institution). The Lord Advocate must be a lawyer admitted to the practice of law in one of the several United States.
(B) The Lord Advocate shall be elected annually at the Session of the House of Lords of the Abdominous Exchequer.

Grand Bouteiller de Royaume: The Right Honourable, the Viscount Cachon de Whipped

(A) The duties of the Grand Bouteiller de Royaume are to prepare for and conduct (with such assistance as he desires) the Feast of the Cachon De Lait on Lundi Gras. The Grand Bouteiller de Royaume is also responsible for assisting the Master of the Revels procure royal carts to conduct the jewels (beads) and Gniaule, Bière, Bourbon, et Femmes of the Fat Bankers’ Social Aid & Pleasure Club throughout the course of the Stately Procession.
(B) The Grand Bouteiller de Royaume shall be elected annually at the Session of the House of Lords of the Abdominous Exchequer.

Lord Keeper of the Seals: Vacant

(A) The Lord Keeper of the Seals is responsible for keeping and administering The Great Seal of the Realm and The Stupendously Majuscule Seal of Abdominimity.
(B) The Lord Keeper of the Seals shall be appointed by the Lord High Chancellor.